Anxiety About Not Being Where You Should Be by 25 (or 30, or 35)
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Written by Brendan Marshall, Registered Psychotherapist (Qualifying). Brendan is a therapist and founder of Brendan Marshall Counselling. He works with men who are having difficulties with the daily impact of Anxiety and/or ADHD.
It’s 11pm and you’re scrolling. A guy from high school just posted about his new house. Someone else got engaged. Another landed a promotion with “senior” in the title. You close the app, open it again, and start comparing your own life. Things haven’t turned out the way you expected by now.
If you’ve felt that sinking feeling and found yourself searching for anxiety therapy in Markham, you’re not overreacting. More guys feel this way than you might think. This post explains why the “I should be further along” feeling is so strong, what keeps it going, and what can actually help.
Why You Feel Behind Even When You’re Doing Okay
Most of us have a timeline in our minds: finish school, get a job, move out, buy a place, find someone, all by a certain age. No one gave you this timeline. You picked it up from your parents, movies, classmates, and now your phone.
Your phone makes it worse. Social media shows everyone’s best day of the year, and you’re comparing it to your Tuesday. You see the promotion and the new car. You don’t see the credit card debt.
Men get an extra layer on top. A lot of guys learn early that their worth is tied to what they’ve built, like a job title, a paycheque, or a place of their own. So “I’m behind” never stays a simple observation. It turns into “I’m failing,” and that’s when your chest gets tight and your brain starts doing math at 2am.
Most men don’t call this anxiety. They call it stress, or feeling stuck, or being unmotivated.
What Keeps the Anxiety Going
This happens all the time. You’re comparing yourself to someone else, you feel you’re behind and your body is in danger. You either go all in and burn out or you just freeze and avoid everything as it seems pointless to start.
Think of the bloke who goes through the job ads at 11pm, reads a couple of them and then shuts the laptop. Or the one who makes a grand plan on Sunday and then by Wednesday is just giving up and calling himself lazy. Neither of them is lazy. Both are attempting to deal with a fear via a plan, and the fear is the real issue.
Here’s the tricky part: anxiety acts like a prediction machine. It turns “I haven’t figured it out yet” into “I’ll be 40 and still nowhere.” Your body reacts to that imagined future as if it’s happening now.
If you have ADHD, there’s another factor. You might have fallen behind on some things because you never had tools that worked for your brain. Shame adds to the anxiety, giving it more fuel. These are two different problems, and you can address them separately.
What Actually Helps (and What to Expect)
You can’t just “think your way out” of it and willpower in itself won’t solve it. What does work is changing your response to the thought and then taking small steps towards what you actually want.
Start by just noticing the thought for what it is. “I’m behind” is going to feel like a fact, but it’s really just a comparison to a timeline that you didn’t pick. That’s where ACT (Acceptance and Commitment Therapy) comes in. You learn to just step back from that thought rather than engage with it. You don’t have to believe it, you don’t have to fight it. You just stop letting it run you.
Work out what you actually want rather than what you think you’re meant to want. Try this: write down what you’d like your life to be like in five years. Then go through and cross out everything you’ve included simply because you thought you should. What’s left is genuinely yours. Now shrink the next step. Don’t say “fix my career” instead say “spend twenty minutes updating my CV on Saturday”.
You can sometimes be genuinely behind on something (savings, a career that’s just come to a standstill etc). It can easily feel like an emergency. Therapy helps you work out the difference between a real problem that you can do something about and a fear that’s just been dressed up as a problem.
In therapy the small shifts come first. You spot the spiral earlier and the 2am maths sessions get a lot shorter. The bigger changes generally accrue over a few months of consistent work.
Who Is Anxiety Therapy Right For?
This fits if you’re a guy in your 20s or 30s who looks fine on paper and feels like a fraud on the inside. It fits if you know what you need to do, but the pressure makes you freeze or overwork. It fits if you’ve told yourself you should be able to handle this on your own, or if you tried therapy before and walked out with nothing practical.
It’s also for you if you were diagnosed with ADHD as an adult and now realize how much harder life has been. You don’t need to wait for a crisis to reach out.
What to Expect at Brendan Marshall Counselling in Markham
I’m Brendan Marshall, a Registered Psychotherapist (Qualifying), and I work with young men dealing with anxiety and ADHD right here in Markham and virtually across Ontario. Living with ADHD every day for decades taught me how to notice the tricks my mind plays on me. I bring those tools into our work, along with ACT and practical ADHD strategies.
In our first session, we map out when the “I’m behind” feeling hits and what happens in your body and head. From there we build a plan around your real schedule. You leave each session with something to try before we meet again.
I check in regularly to make sure you’re getting what you need, and I’ll challenge you when it’s time to look at something differently.
Frequently Asked Questions About Anxiety and Feeling Behind in Life
Is it normal to feel behind in life at 25, 30, or 35?
Yes, it’s completely normal. Most people have a mental timeline for school, work, money, and relationships, but almost no one matches it exactly. The feeling often gets stronger around milestone birthdays or after spending a lot of time on social media. Just because it’s normal doesn’t mean you have to accept it.
Is feeling behind in life a sign of anxiety?
It can be. Everyone feels behind now and then, but if it happens every day, keeps you up at night, or makes you freeze or overwork, anxiety is probably involved. What matters most is how often it happens and how much it affects your day.
I can’t diagnose you here. If you’ve felt this way for months, talk to someone. A doctor or psychologist can do a formal assessment if needed.
How do I stop comparing myself to other people?
You probably can’t stop comparing completely, but you can make it less powerful. Unfollow accounts that make you feel worse, notice when you start comparing, and ask yourself what you really want. Comparison loses its hold when you focus on your own goals instead of someone else’s highlights.
Can therapy help with feeling stuck or behind in life?
Yes. Therapy can help you notice the thought patterns that keep you stuck, separate real problems from fear-driven ones, and take small steps toward what you want. Practical approaches like ACT work well because they focus on action, not just talking about feelings.
If ADHD is part of your experience, we’ll also create systems that work for your brain, so your plan still works even on tough weeks.
When should I get help instead of waiting it out?
If this feeling regularly affects your sleep, work, relationships, or self-esteem, it’s time to get help. You don’t have to wait for things to get worse. Waiting often just means another year of late-night worry.
If you ever feel hopeless or think about hurting yourself, call or text 988 (Canada’s Suicide Crisis Helpline) or go to your nearest emergency room.
Ready to Take the Next Step?
If this feels familiar during your late-night scrolling, you don’t have to keep doing the math alone.
You can book a free 15-minute consult, and we’ll talk about what’s really getting in your way. There’s no pressure and no generic checklist. [Book your free consult here.]
You’re Not Late, You’re Just Using the Wrong Clock
You’re not lazy or a failure. You’re just comparing your real life to a timeline no one ever agreed to. That feeling is real, and the anxiety behind it is something you can work on.
When you start seeing “I’m behind” as just a thought, not a fact, you take back control. You can choose what you really want and take one small step toward it. If you’re ready to stop the nightly worry, book a free consult and let’s create a plan that fits your life, not someone else’s.
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